Few know the legend of Octavius Octavius, but this statue remains, and to some degree speaks for itself.
Octavius (or “Octo” as he came to be known) hailed from the countryside, at a time when dragons and fireballs existed, as opposed to, you know, regular birds and some rain. It is a time very very long ago, that we can only conjure up with our fiercest imagination.
His father was slain in a mighty battle. Octo had to grow up very quickly to help provide for the large family. He was the eldest, and his mother relied heavily upon him.
The club, a mighty club, was his main weapon. With it he would knock senseless any number of creatures, and the family would feast for days, even weeks. He grew in strength, in conviction, and in confidence. And then one day, someone — no one knows exactly who — but someone invented the ball. Larger than a baseball and a tad softer, but made of rugged fur and the coat from a mighty beast.
You can see Octo’s greatest hit to this day in the night sky. Yes, he hit it so far out of the park that the ball became a planet…
Octo Octavius was right-handed, threw left, and was the first mighty batter — the precursor to baseball warriors so many centuries later. He kept one eye on the ball, and one keenly focused to make sure he could not be attacked by a predator.
Octo did not hit the ball, He did not bat the ball. Octo stomped the ball, mashed it, whipped it, and sent it soaring into space. If a ball that Octo hit was found, he felt that he had not hit it well enough.
He never, ever bunted.
This phenomenon, this “hitting it way, way, way out there, it’s gone!” was described by the famous author of the time, Homer. And yes, you guessed it: He called it a homer! He named it after his damn self because it was considered such a mighty, even timeless feat. Homer knew it would last and be part of the lore.
“Now the others and the armed warriors on the plain slept
soundly but Jove was wakeful wondering how his shield had failed
and thus dishonor to Achilles as the Homer left its earthly bound
to land among the Gods and tell them Octo, Octo, Octo had done it
again!”
So, then, if you did not know how the word “homer” came to be, now you do…
Octavius only played for one team, his family. Yes, he wore a uniform (of sorts), made of sheets. He wore sandals and occasionally painted his face. And sometimes there was armor if the other would dare to throw at him. Thus bringing to bear the harbinger of a baseball helmet… and gloves.
One season Octo fell surprisingly into a bit of a slump, after suffering back strain. His sister Ladolfo took over and did quite well, but that only spurred him to heal immediately.
“Can’t let sister take my rightful spot – it shall never be!” he exhorted. His club raised high against the entire world!
And so folks… so… there you have it – the legend of the ball slayer: Octavius Octavius!
As to whether he will ever get into the Hall of Fame, remains uncertain. We are still gathering information, with the hope of convincing the powers-that-be to make an exception for this, perhaps the most historical and legendary home run hitter of all time.
The ball slayer. Some would say he can be found in all of us…
